Election Fever

A little rhyming verse inspired by election season across the pond:

Obama or McCain, which one will it be?
They both think they can fix the economy
McCain says he will be better than Barack
But it's not long 'til old John has a heart attack
The whole world wonders how the election is fated
And how long 'til Obama is assassinated?
In the polls McCain is still trailin'
Let's just pray it's never President Palin.

.....I thank you.

What Difference Does It Make? Quite a lot, actually.

The Smiths - What Difference Does It Make?

"All men have secrets and here is mine

So let it be known
For we have been through hell and high tide
I think I can rely on you ..."

Wow. Now that’s a powerful opening line if ever there was one. Draws you right in don’t it? Having finally found someone in whom he feels he can place his trust, Morrissey is about to share with them (and us) his grand, immaculately-kept secret, of the type all men supposedly have, and – knowing Mozza’s intensely private nature – one can only assume he’s about to spill the beans on something juicy. I can hardly wait.


"And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you"

Ah. Ok then. It seems we have skipped over the much-anticipated revelation for the time being, in order to concentrate on the reaction of Morrissey’s revered (by him at least) confidant. And suffice to say, this reaction is not exactly what Mozza had been hoping for. Despite the intense emotional and (or so Moz thought) bonding experiences our protagonists have gone through together, Morrissey’s confession appears to have driven a wedge in their relationship, while it seemed he was in fact hoping it would draw them even closer together. Ouch. I hate it when that happens. Tough break Moz. Oh well, back to the drawing board, plenty more fish in the sea, and all those other (not so) comforting idioms, eh?

Still, makes you wonder even more what that secret is, given the destructive effect it yielded. What could it possibly be? Is Morrissey in some kind of trouble with the Law perhaps? Is he on the run? Has he killed someone maybe? Morrissey??? C’mon now - be realistic, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Literally. We’re going to have to think harder than that if we want to second guess the quiffmeister. More likely he accidentally absent-mindedly forgot to pay for a flapjack from the corner shop and is now convinced the entire Manchester police constabulary are intent on hunting him down like a dog. Anyway, no doubt all will be revealed in due course. Just sit tight.


"So, what difference does it make?
So, what difference does it make?
It makes none
But now you have gone
And your prejudice won’t keep you warm tonight"

Look Morrissey, I feel it’s time for a few home truths now. The only reason for keeping a secret in the first place is because you are concerned about the difference it undoubtedly would make if the truth were to be exposed. Otherwise you wouldn’t have had any qualms about broadcasting it in the first place, would you? So don’t feign surprise at the reaction you’re receiving now, you knew (or at least strongly suspected) how it would turn out. You’re fooling nobody son.

In fact maybe, possibly on some deep subconscious level, this is what you actually wanted to happen Moz. Could it be that you were so terrified about getting close to another human being and revealing something of your true self to them, that you accidentally-on-purpose told them something which you knew would drive them away? Could that be it perhaps? And the root cause of all your problems is just an inability to let people in, while you pathetically attempt to pass them off as being the result of the faults and prejudices of others? You can get up off the couch now Steven, that’ll be £300. Same time next week.

And what IS that secret? Is it a physical defect maybe? Does Morrissey possess a superfluous third nipple (or a third superfluous nipple to be more precise, given that any nipple on a man is supplement to requirements)? Did he used to be Morrissey-etta? I want to know, goshdarnit.

"The devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and I lied, and why?
Because you asked me to!
But now you make me feel so ashamed
Because I've only got two hands"


Well now this part I find a bit harder to fathom, I must admit. Morrissey throws us a ‘curveball’, to borrow an expression from baseball parlance, and blindsides us with two common expressions involving hands, both of which are difficult to contextualise within the narrative of the song. Ho-hum. I can only point out that, interestingly (or alternatively not, if you happen not to be as much of a geek as me), ‘hands’ seem to be something of an obsession for Morrissey, cropping up in the titles of a disproportionate amount of songs – cf. Hand In Glove, The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Handsome Devil, and in many other lyrics too.

Of course, it could just be a diversionary tactic, an elaborate strategy designed to confuse us and throw us off the scent of the singer’s own misgivings, which we have just discussed. But we shan’t let that happen I’m afraid Mozza.


"Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh"

Oh Morrissey, Morrissey, Morrissey. You’re really not going to make any progress in your personal relationships if you don’t learn to move on from disappointments, and handle rejection better. I’ve tried to help you, honestly I have – call it tough love – but it doesn’t seem to be having much effect. You have to face up to it: after telling them all the grisly details regarding your embarrassing haemorrhoid issues, or whatever it was, they’re really not interested anymore.


"Oh, I'm too tired
I'm so sick and tired
And I'm feeling very sick and ill today"

At first glance, Morrissey may appear to be indulging himself in yet another departure from the narrative by providing us with his daily health check (summary: not good), but in fact, severe psychological trauma such as that from which Moz appears to be suffering can induce physical manifestations. I believe the word is ‘psychosomatic’.


"Oh, my sacred one…
Oh…"

Yeah whatever, I’ve lost interest now Morrissey. You really do seem to be a lost cause. Until you start being honest with yourself as well as with those around you, and taking some responsibility for your actions, I don’t see any hope for you I’m afraid. And more to the point, we never did find out what that bloomin’ secret was…..*






*...... (it’s probably that he’s gay.)